Long Time No Blog...

I’ve been neglecting my blog recently for a few reasons, and after thinking about it a bit…well, a lot, the most prominent of those reasons would have to be fear.

I have been such an emotional wreck on the inside while having to appear to be really; really happy on the outside that my ability to truly express myself has become a bit conflicted. But I can’t sit by and feel that way anymore.

I had a really hard time leaving my life, my home and my family in Vegas. I have also been very unsure if I was and did make the right decision in returning to Utah.

I was so secure in who I was and what I was doing in Vegas. I had my niche, my friends and my adopted family. Leaving all of that behind and returning to Utah scared, well, actually still scares me. I mean, sure I know people here, I know business here, and I know things to do around here, but my life hasn’t been here for years.

What if I don’t fit in? What if, despite all of the relationships I still have here, what if we can’t pick up where we left off the last time?

It has been a really tough month, and it’s only getting marginally better every week. I know now, and I guess I have known all along that I made the right choice, but that has in no way made it any easier to cope. I am keeping busy, not that that means I get out much at all. I still cry, not as much as I did at first, but still often enough that I am beginning to notice how pathetic I would seem if anyone else was ever there to see it happen.

I just wish it wasn't quite so hard to feel both really, incredibly sad and also happy at the same time.

Life will get better. Mostly because I am not giving it any other choice. I am learning to do new things at work (computer programming, web design and html.) and taking a cake decorating class to help with practice and new techniques (not to mention making new friends). I wish I had time to do more culinary related things, but for now, my class is helping. Maybe soon I will post pictures of what I've been up to in the last few weeks, but until then, I'm back--and that's as good a start as any.